I Feel Like My Life is Spinning Out of Control

Monday, July 18, 2005: I really hate what I am allowing M to do with my life. I hate feeling like my whole marriage was a sham built on lies. I don't understand how another person, who claims that they love you, can walk all over you and treat you like shit. It blows my mind. I loved him unconditionally and with all of my heart. All I got in return was walked all over and used. Plus, my daughter lost her father.

Today I got the pleasure of putting my feet into stirrups and getting tested for clymidia, herpes, HPV, HIV, syphylis, etc. I hate stirrups. Not much is worse than being on your back, on that table. She kept having to tell me to relax my stomach muscles and let my legs fall to the side, so that she could get it done. Apparently, my vaginal walls kept collapsing. TMI!! I know. I felt just as awkward being there. But tell me, who the hell can relax when you're like that?? Not me.

I got a higher dose of Lexapro and Doxepan so that I can sleep. I am so looking forward to being able to sleep all night, and not lay there wondering if this time or that time, when M was telling me something, was he lying. I hate my life.

Mich

If You Sleep With Dogs, You're Bound To Wake Up With Fleas...

Saturday, July 16, 2005: I spent 3 hours on the phone with the girl M cheated on to be with me. Yes, it's a weird situation but we both have kids by him, so we want to stay in contact. This is how much of a dog M was to her...while she was in labor with their son, he had another girl up at the hospital! Supposedly she had facial hair (which I would think would make him jealous since he can't grow any!)

I told M that I want my pictures back and anything else he has of mine, but he refused. He asked why I would want them back and I asked why he would want them if he hated me so much. He just hung up on me. The fricken loser.

I have no one to go to see Eminem with me. M and I were supposed to go but of course that is out. I called A and asked if he wanted to come down from Atlanta, but he just started a new job, so he's not sure if he can get off. I'm crossing my fingers that he can because I would love to see him. I need the company of a real man for awhile. I have forgotten what it is like to be treated with kindness and respect.

I'm going to sell the second pair of Eminem tickets on EBay. I need the extra cash right now.

Mich

Suicide Anyone?

Friday, July 15, 2005: OK, I am in no way condoning suicide because I had an uncle who hung himself when I was 6 and I can remember what was on TV the night my mom got the phone call. It was an episode of "Maude" where she was talking to a therapist because her dad never told her he loved her. Well, I seriously considered it this week. M told me that our marriage was over - which I had already told him weeks ago. He said he had a girlfriend and had been seeing her for 3 weeks. Then the next day, the girl I kicked him out over, called to tell me that she is pregnant with his baby.

Now, I wasn't sad that I had lost this POS, I was sad because my two-year old will be without her daddy. I was also sad for myself that my whole marriage was a sham. It's as if I was married to two different people. I really wanted to just drive my car off the side of the road and kill myself. The ONLY thing that stopped me was that he would then be the one to raise our daughter. I don't want him anywhere near her. He is not a role model. In fact, he is just the opposite. He is how men SHOULDN'T act. He gives black men everywhere a bad name.

Then, my eight-year old cries herself to sleep because he promised her that he would always love her and be in her life. He was going to be the one who would walk her down the isle when she got married, since her real father isn't in her life. I feel so bad for her! She doesn't deserve any of this. It's my fault for choosing him and allowing him into our life.

The only good thing that has come of this is that the kids and I are closer than ever. B sleeps in my bed every night (no, not like Michael Jackson and his guests). She's just afraid for me, and wants to be by me all the time. She points men out to me and asks if she should go up and ask if they want to go out with me! Can you believe that? An eight-year old match maker.

M told me today that he will not pay for the whole divorce, so unless I pay for 1/2, we won't be getting divorced. Oh well! I will NEVER, EVER get married again (unless Eminem is reading this, then "baby, I'm waiting for you. Call me! ;) ) He made this mess, he can pay to get out of it. When I got married, it was for life; not for 3 1/2 years. He broke up my family. I had nothing to do with it.

I seriously think that he is a sex addict. We could have sex 1o times a day and it was never enough. (Yes, 10 times, and I'm not exaggerating.) So, I told him that I was going to file for Child Support on Monday and he is going to be sorry when he sees that the state of FL will make him pay $500 a month for C. He doesn't pay any bills and lives with his parents. We both have cars that are paid for and didn't own any property. If he would agree on a set amount for support then our divorce could be over quickly. Too bad he's stubborn and won't agree to it. Also, I am going to the doctor to get tested for every STD out there!

M is an identical twin. For the first time since I met him 4 years ago, I really wish that I had met and married the other twin. They are nothing alike and my M is truly the evil twin.

Hope your week was better than mine!

Mich

Happy 4th of July

July 4th, 2005: I had the week from hell last week. I woke up early on Tuesday morning with a toothache. I took 10 naproxen in 3 hours, and the pain still didn't go away. I finally fell back to sleep at around 5. By the time I got up and to work, my face was starting to swell up. I went to the dentist, but it was an abscess, so they couldn't pull it. I got a prescription for antibiotics and pain killers. The bitch at the pharmacy was giving me shit b/c I didn't have my insurance cards. Mind you, I had just passed my 90 days at work, so my insurance kicked in that Sunday. Of course I wasn't going to have any cards yet! Needless to say, I was quite 'Italian' at that moment and I went off. My temper is notorious when I'm in pain. (I wouldn't let my mom and M talk while I was in labor with C.) So I told the woman to just give me the pain meds (they were $10 without insurance) but that I would have the other script filled after I called to verify my insurance.

Well, when I got back to work, I called and sure enough, I had insurance and all she would have had to do is look me up by my SSN. M ended up getting the script for me after picking me up from work b/c I couldn't drive on the pain med. When I woke up on Wednesday, I looked like a freak! My whole right side was swollen. It was so bad, my eye was a slit. Of course my boss is working in Milwaukee for two weeks, so I had to go to work. When I walked in I got lots of nice stares and everyone kind of recoiled when they looked at me. I was so embarrassed that I wouldn't even stop for coffee that morning. I called the dentist, but they said it would get worse before it got better. Hello, how could it possibly get worse? I already looked like Will Smith in "Hitch" when he has the allergic reaction.

M wouldn't stay because he had to work out. I was exhausted, the kids were crabby and needed to eat. He had to work out. Nice husband! I did took care of them and fell asleep. I was so tired and the pain med wasn't working. I took 10 of them in 1 1/2 days! When I went to the dentist the next day, it was still too bad to pull, but he did give me some Vicodin and that worked for the pain. He couldn't believe that my face was as swollen as it was and that I had such a good sense of humor about it. I said I could either laugh or cry and I chose to laugh. Life is more fun that way. And besides, if you can't laugh at yourself, it's not fair laughing at others!

Well, long story short (too late, I know) my face is not swollen any more. The pain is gone and I get my tooth pulled tomorrow. I would have went with the root canal, but that would have meant spending $700 out of my pocket. And well, frankly, I don't want to spend that much on a fake tooth. It's not like its the front tooth, so no one will even be able to see it.

Other than that, I told M I was 100% sure that I didn't want to be married and that he should never call me again. Thank god I got the key back from him! I put up with his bullshit for too long and I finally reached the end of my rope. I went to get the carseat and he had a new tattoo and his nipples pierced. But he didn't have money for gas (he took it out of my account when he had my card) and he didn't pay daycare. He's such an ass! I just know that I can do so much better than him. He has brought me down from the beginning, but I can't say I wouldn't do it over again because he gave me C. I love her to death and her smile, laugh and caring way, make me love her so much.

Mich