Suicide Anyone?

Friday, July 15, 2005: OK, I am in no way condoning suicide because I had an uncle who hung himself when I was 6 and I can remember what was on TV the night my mom got the phone call. It was an episode of "Maude" where she was talking to a therapist because her dad never told her he loved her. Well, I seriously considered it this week. M told me that our marriage was over - which I had already told him weeks ago. He said he had a girlfriend and had been seeing her for 3 weeks. Then the next day, the girl I kicked him out over, called to tell me that she is pregnant with his baby.

Now, I wasn't sad that I had lost this POS, I was sad because my two-year old will be without her daddy. I was also sad for myself that my whole marriage was a sham. It's as if I was married to two different people. I really wanted to just drive my car off the side of the road and kill myself. The ONLY thing that stopped me was that he would then be the one to raise our daughter. I don't want him anywhere near her. He is not a role model. In fact, he is just the opposite. He is how men SHOULDN'T act. He gives black men everywhere a bad name.

Then, my eight-year old cries herself to sleep because he promised her that he would always love her and be in her life. He was going to be the one who would walk her down the isle when she got married, since her real father isn't in her life. I feel so bad for her! She doesn't deserve any of this. It's my fault for choosing him and allowing him into our life.

The only good thing that has come of this is that the kids and I are closer than ever. B sleeps in my bed every night (no, not like Michael Jackson and his guests). She's just afraid for me, and wants to be by me all the time. She points men out to me and asks if she should go up and ask if they want to go out with me! Can you believe that? An eight-year old match maker.

M told me today that he will not pay for the whole divorce, so unless I pay for 1/2, we won't be getting divorced. Oh well! I will NEVER, EVER get married again (unless Eminem is reading this, then "baby, I'm waiting for you. Call me! ;) ) He made this mess, he can pay to get out of it. When I got married, it was for life; not for 3 1/2 years. He broke up my family. I had nothing to do with it.

I seriously think that he is a sex addict. We could have sex 1o times a day and it was never enough. (Yes, 10 times, and I'm not exaggerating.) So, I told him that I was going to file for Child Support on Monday and he is going to be sorry when he sees that the state of FL will make him pay $500 a month for C. He doesn't pay any bills and lives with his parents. We both have cars that are paid for and didn't own any property. If he would agree on a set amount for support then our divorce could be over quickly. Too bad he's stubborn and won't agree to it. Also, I am going to the doctor to get tested for every STD out there!

M is an identical twin. For the first time since I met him 4 years ago, I really wish that I had met and married the other twin. They are nothing alike and my M is truly the evil twin.

Hope your week was better than mine!

Mich