I Feel Like My Life is Spinning Out of Control

Monday, July 18, 2005: I really hate what I am allowing M to do with my life. I hate feeling like my whole marriage was a sham built on lies. I don't understand how another person, who claims that they love you, can walk all over you and treat you like shit. It blows my mind. I loved him unconditionally and with all of my heart. All I got in return was walked all over and used. Plus, my daughter lost her father.

Today I got the pleasure of putting my feet into stirrups and getting tested for clymidia, herpes, HPV, HIV, syphylis, etc. I hate stirrups. Not much is worse than being on your back, on that table. She kept having to tell me to relax my stomach muscles and let my legs fall to the side, so that she could get it done. Apparently, my vaginal walls kept collapsing. TMI!! I know. I felt just as awkward being there. But tell me, who the hell can relax when you're like that?? Not me.

I got a higher dose of Lexapro and Doxepan so that I can sleep. I am so looking forward to being able to sleep all night, and not lay there wondering if this time or that time, when M was telling me something, was he lying. I hate my life.

Mich