Come Visit Me on MySpace.com

http://www.myspace.com/michl1904 Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Also, let me know if this is too hard to read with my future ex-husb
and Eminem as the background.

Mich

Update

Tuesday, October 4, 2005:

I just updated this blog with entries from myspace.com's blog that I keep more regularly. It's hard to post in both places. My life is one big struggle to get through but I'm doing it one day at a time and one prescription drug at a time. Some days I don't know how I do it. Others, are much better and I'm on top of the world. Today is one of those days. I have the upper hand in the relationship with Mike. He's calling me again. Unfortunately, I lost a dollar to mom b/c she said he would call me (I think she even said a week) and she was right. He called me today.

Ciao,
Mich

Hard Day

Friday, September 30, 2005:

I took off my wedding ring and put it away. I finally thought it was time. I plan on buying myself something to replace it. Something with diamonds, but that is still simple. I only wanted a white gold band like my grandmother had, because I figured it was good enough to make it through 50 + years of marriage, it would be good enough for me.

Unfortunately, mine didn't even last 4 years, but that's not my fault and I really have to stop blaming myself. I can't change anyone but myself. Boy, I wish I could. Today is one of the bad days, but I keep telling myself it will only get better each day.

Ciao,
Mich

Desperate Housewife

Wednesday, September 28, 2005:
Up until today, that is what I was. A desperate wife. Today, I finally learned that I should not miss Mike; he should be missing me. He has gotten to me for the last time. He is not worth the depression and misery that I have put myself through for the past 6 months. He's losing someone good; I'm not. He's been arrested and in prison before. His latest arrest was just last month. His girlfriend was arrested, too. Great couple, hey?

I was driving in my car today, on my way to pick up Brianne. For once I didn't have the music blasting so that I didn't have time to think. I always carry my grandfather's rosary with me, so I decided that I would say it.

When I was in grade school, we had to go to mass every day. So, by the time I was in 8th grade, it really didn't mean anything to me anymore. (I know, what a terrible thing to say!) But, if they wanted us to appreciate it, they shouldn't have made us go daily. Anyway...when I was saying the rosary, there was a calmness that came through my body. It was from the inside out. I don't recall ever feeling that way before. It was as if God was in me, taking away all of the pain I had been feeling. I'm not some kind of religious fanatic, but I do believe in God and some days that is the only thing that keeps me going. Knowing that one day, I will be able to see my grandparents and all of the people who will and have died before me, makes me happy. I didn't get a chance to tell my grandmother I loved her before she died because it was an unexpected death. I have told her plenty of times in the past 16 years (dang, I can't believe it has been THAT many years.) so I'm sure she knows.

After praying and thinking, I decided that I was through with feeling bad. He will not get one more minute of my life.

Now, for the most awesome news: my fabulously funny, beautiful sister, Kim is getting a tattoo! I feel so proud. Now, if only she would date a black man, my revenge would come full circle! She knows who/what I'm talking about. If not that, how about nipple piercing, Kim? That would send him off the deep end sooner than you can say, "Conan O'Brien!!"
Ciao,

Mich

Black Tar Herion or Sleeping Pills?

Friday, September 23, 2005:
Why do men want what they can't have? Is it some kind of sick obsession to be able to conquer women? I find that if I treat Mike like crap, don't take his calls, don't answer the door when he comes over, etc., then he tries that much harder. I have 16 text messages from him, ranging from "I love you" to "I'm coming over, be naked." UGH!

Mom and I got into some deep conversations today. First, I did not realize that you could overdose on Tylenol. I was watching some show on cable about this guy who took 200 Tylenol. OK, so I don't have that long of an attention span to be able to swallow that many pills. Plus, by the time I would be done, I'd have to pee like a race horse. Yes, my bladder is the size of Texas, but I can't drink that much water and not have to pee. A lot.

We also talked about Eminem and his addiction to sleeping pills. Again, I didn't realize you could get addicted to those. I thought that it meant you took them and slept all the time. Nope. It means you can't sleep without them. I told her that was kind of a wuss addiction. Vicodin I can see because it makes you not give a f*ck what goes on. It's the same way with Xanax. If someone at work, or Mike gets me pissed enough, I pop one and I could care less what anyone does. They could even come and mess up my office and I wouldn't care. OK, that's a lie because as Kim pointed out today, everything in there is extremely neat. Anne used to purposely make things crooked because I hate to have anything not in perfect order. But I digress.
I told mom that if I had an addiction to sleeping pills and I was famous like Em, then I would have had my publicist lie and say I was addicted to black tar heroin. At least he could keep his street cred that way. Sleeping pills! My god, get a real addiction. What happened to the tackle box he supposedly carried around with all kinds of drugs? Coming from the 8 Mile trailer park and the best you can do is sleeping pills? 50 Cent at least has a mouth full of lead. Em, he takes one too many Ambien. Oh, well, I still love him. I would let him eat crackers in my bed any day.

Ciao,
Mich

I Had A Major Fight With Mike

Wednesday, September 21, 2005:

He thinks he can keep me stringed along while he plays house with his girlfriend. I really want to know where he gets the nerve to think all I do is sit around waiting for him to come back?? I swear, I must have 'stupid' tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink. Only men can see it.

I am in an unbelievably bad mood tonight and I hate that. I think because my Lexapro prescription ran out and so I haven't taken it for two days. Then when I called to have it refilled, they filled the wrong one. That means I'm on too many meds, and they didn't know which one I had asked for. I have so many prescription bottles that I now need a new purse. The one I have is too small. That is sad, right?

So, I heard on the radio that Eminem is out of rehab, but he hooked up with some chick that was in there at the same time. Dang, I didn't realize I had to be an addict to appeal to him. I guess I should have seen that one coming though because his wife is one and now so is the new girl. Mariah Carey wasn't an addict, she was just a little nutso. I think I qualify in that category, because if you knew me, you'd probably think so too! I'm not the kind of girl who is going to go all mental on TRL, and try to strip, but I am the kind of person who likes to have fun, and I'll pretty much do anything once. Life is too short to be boring.

My sister Kim has crushes on a few 'ancient' men. Ancient to her apparetly is anyone born in the 60's, of which I am one of those people. She likes Anderson Cooper, Conan O'Brien, Hugh Grant (only b/c of the accent, because if he sounded like Susan Hawk from the first "Survivor" he wouldn't be appealing.) and Harry Connick, Jr. I think of those men, only Conan is in his 40's. Otherwise, these guys are all my age. Which is sad. If I had to pick older men crushes, I guess I'd pretty much be stuck with Walter Matthau, Dan Rather, and President Bush. Of those 3, I think one is dead, the other not attractive, and so I'd have to choose Bush. I voted for him and he's attractive in a goofy kind of way. He'd always be good for a laugh or two, since he has trouble staying on his bike, and hasn't he tripped once or twice, or am I confusing him with former President Ford? Oh well. The only 'older' guy I really have a crush on is Paul Molitor and he's 49. Which now that I'm 36 doesn't seem that old. When I was 13 and he was 26, it seemed forbidden. Now, it would be no big deal. If only he weren't married. Damn, so am I. You tend to forget those things when your husband lives with his girlfriend!

I guess I started a negative trend at work because the new guy's wife asked for a divorce. They've been married 20 years, have two kids and grandchildren. He just moved here from AZ and she was supposed to be coming too, but then out of the blue broke the news to him. Poor thing. Stuck in a strange city, with no friends, at a new job and now his wife wants a divorce. I feel bad for him. Since it was unexpected, he's not taking it too well.

I wonder if I looked as down as he does? I know I had a few crying days at work and just trying to get through each minute seemed like a major chore, but I am so glad to be out of that stage. I went through the five stages of grief pretty fast, once the meds kicked in. Now if I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, I pop a Xanax and I feel like I could take on the world. I just have to remember not to take them without eating something first, or else I feel like I'm on speed. I type faster than normal, talk like that guy who used to do the FedEx commericials back in the 80's (Kim, if you're reading this, you have no idea who I'm referring too, since I'm so ancient and you were just a twinkle in mom and Frank's eyes when that commercial was out. Also, I'm not buying the whole, "It was done for comedic purposes and only as a bit for the show." *bullshit* Hurricane's pipe is mine!!) and seem like I'm on the biggest caffeine buzz known to mankind.

Alright, after the fight with Mike, I took two Xanax and they're now kicking in. I'm off to run a marathon, clean the house, wash the car, swim some laps and then crash. OK, I lied. I'm going to watch TV. I'm missing "Seinfeld".

Ciao,
Mich

Some Things I Learned

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I was sitting at work, listening to music, working and thinking. I would have to say, don't trust a 25-year old who drives a pimped Ford Escort. Don't trust a guy who has a curfew of 9 p.m. and has a crap-load of CD's but doesn't have one Prince cd. Who in 2005 drives a FORD ESCORT?? OK, my car isn't a Maybach, but it's respectable. I wouldn't be ashamed to be seen in it. I was glad that the windows were tinted just in case I saw anyone I knew.

Mike seems to think that he can come back anytime he pleases and I will be here waiting. As if. (Wow, that was so 80's!) He left here mad last night because I told him he should stay with his girlfriend. I went through my depression stage and was probably at my lowest. I tend to compare any bad situation with how I felt when my grandmother died. I was bad then - not sleeping, eating or wanting to see my friends - but with Mike, it was a different kind of feeling. I figure, why do I want to put myself through that again? I made it through this time, barely, and I don't ever want to do it again. I think it's best that we both move on. I can't really help it if he doesn't like that idea. He didn't keep my feelings in mind when he cheated.

Dre is going to come and visit soon. He emailed me and asked if we could role-play. He wants me to be Rosita, the Spanish speaking mama in a French maid outfit. I told him he will be Pedro, the hot Latino cabana boy, rubbing suntan oil on me. Why couldn't HSN or the Golf channel have been hiring for producers? I'm glad he's only 8 hours away , but it's still not close enough.

The kids are driving me nuts! Brianne doesn't want to pay attention or do her homework, so she's grounded until November. Chiara learned to climb out of her crib, so she is up at the crack of dawn and running around. I liked it better when she slept until 11. I want some of the freedom that Mike has. Men can just walk away with no regrets and go on with their lives. I can't imagine ever walking away from them. They have given me some gray hairs, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I believe that they are what kept me going when I was so sad. I had to be strong for them. I guess God does work in mysterious ways.

Mich

Men Suck Ass

Thursday, September 8, 2005:

So, Josh ran away, like a baby. I have no idea what I did because he wasn't man enough to tell me. Instead, he acted like a child and ignored my calls and email. Oh well, his loss, not mine. I don't want friends like that. I also wasn't looking for a relationship with him. I am still married, no matter how Mike acts, and I certainly don't feel like going through crap again. So, I should be thankful that Josh is a pussy. Good luck to whatever women ends up with him.

I do have to admit, I left a message on his cell asking if when he said his grandma lived with him, by 'grandma' did he mean wife? I'm so glad that my inner bitch has been let out again. It's been such a long time since I've seen her and I had forgotten just how much she was missed. My new attitude is brought to you by the makers of Lexapro and Wellbutrin XL.

So, Kiki was sick and Mike took off of work to take her to the doctor. He called me after to let me know that they said to give her OTC cough medicine but that she doesn't have asthma or bronchitis. He then proceeds to tell me that he is planning on coming back, but he just doesn't know when. Wow. I had to slap him back into reality. Who the hell does he think he is? Did he expect that I would be thrilled with that and I would wait forever? Hell to the naw. I am not waiting. Life is too short to spend it with an ass. I really like the idea of being single. Going out with Josh, no matter how pathetic it turned out, made me realize that I can do a lot better than Mike. I don't have to down-grade like he does.

He has to go out with weak woman to make himself their saviour. I know that I was vulnerable when we met. I was all alone in a new state. All of my friends were back home in Wisconsin. I hated it here at first. My life went from going to all the greatest events that the city of Milwaukee threw and meeting influential people to being 33 and living with my mom! I was at a new low. Then I met Mike. We did things together. I got to go to clubs in Ybor that reminded me of home. We went out to dinner. Most of all, it allowed me to get away from my mom's husband. Lord, I could write a book of horrors about that man. Steven King would be proud, believe me.

Anyway, I liked Mike. He reminded me of...well, me. We had the same sense of humor. Liked the same music. It was like meeting a black version of my best friend Brian, who I missed a lot. I think I mis-took those feelings for love. However, I did grow to love Mike. But by then, he had done so many bad things, I don't know that I could have ever forgiven him. OK, maybe if he ever seemed truly sorry and didn't fuck up and make the SAME mistakes over and over. But to think that he's the be all and end all of my life, is very narcisstic on his part. Life stopped being all about him when I found out about Victoria and the fact that he's living with someone else. AND he totally cut Chiara out of his life. He's not a man. He's a little boy too. Josh and him would probably be the best of friends.

I'm really tired of some of the guys at work. Is it my fault that I get to be in the AC all day, working on a computer? No, it's what I'm qualified to do. It's in my job description. One jerk had the nerve to complain to the Assistant manager about what I do. Apparently, he thinks I just 'answer phones' all day. In between calls, I file my nails, give myself pedicures, and kiss ass. Again, hell to the naw. I work very closely with the manager. I do some of his job since he is traveling until Febuary of 2006. I know Excel, Access, Word and Power Point like the back of my hand. I've been doing the same type of job for ten years. If he has a problem with me, he should take it up with me and the boss. He however, should not talk behind my back. Or, if he does, he should close the office door and make sure I'm not in the kitchen getting coffee. Dumbass.

Ciao!
Mich

Thinking Like A Guy

Monday, September 5, 2005:

J. came over on Friday night and we watched "Hitch". All I have to say is that it is no Napoleon Dynamite. It was okay, I just wish Kevin James had been in it more. But then as soon as the movie was over, he got up and left with a trail of flames behind him! The kids were at my sisters, so we had the place to ourselves, so I was a shocked that he left so early and so quick. He said something about being tired, 5 minutes after he asked if I was going to kick him out. Of course I said no, but then he checked his vm and had to go. I had to get up for work at 5 and I wasn't tired. I haven't heard from him since then. I've given up. The last thing I need is to sleep with someone and have them not call me after.

So, my friend Andre called and I asked his opinion. He also agreed that it sounds weird. I asked if I was being too suspicious and he said no. I asked if my being too guy-like hurt my chances. He said, and I quote, "The only way you'll be guy-like is if you hit it, then don't call." That's what I get for taking advice from a man!

Dre and I are going to Disney for the week sometime in September or October. We went last year and had a great time. He worked at ESPN, so we got into all the Disney parks for free. He only had to pay the tax on the hotel, so that we like $38 for 5 days/4 nights. The only thing, this chick Jackie was like the Trip Nazi. We had to be up at 6:30 and ready to go by 7-7:30 every morning. She would call our rooms to make sure we were up! Then God forbid we should fall behind, we had two-way radios and she would call us to see where we were. I told Dre I'm buying her a whistle, stop watch and clipboard, so she can keep us in line.

Hopefully his friend Deshaun won't be there. Dre, him and I had major drama last year and I don't want a repeat. All I will say is it involved me being thisclose to coming home and NEVER talking to Dre again. Dre and I have been friends for 9 years so that would have been a big deal. All was well after I had a discussion with him. All I know is that he thinks I'm (1) too friendly; (2) too flirty. Not at all how I would describe myself, but oh, well.

I'm off to shower and go to Sam's Club. Please do not be jealous because I lead such a glamorous life. Hmm, someone should do a song called Glamorous Life. I picture a Prince protege, maybe female, who is an awesome drummer. :)

Mich

Crap!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005:

Damn computers. I typed out four coherent paragraphs and then pressed the wrong f-ing button and lost it all. I went out last night for the first time in 4 years. Four. Years. *Insert pity groans here.*

Kim, my youngest sister made a list of characteristics she wants in a man. I think they're going to discuss it on the MJ Morning Show (93.3 if you're in Tampa - listen for Jabberjaw that's my slightly younger, defintely more beautiful sister.) I laughed so hard, I put it up in my office. I think we came to the conclusion that the only man alive who fits, is Abe Vagoda. Honestly, I thought he was dead, but then I saw him on TV last night. Go figure. Really, her first choice would be Conan O'Brien, but he's married. Once she has her degree in broadcasting, he's hers for the taking. (Or stalking, I'm not sure which.)

I say, why settle. I'm still waiting for Eminem to knock on my door. I guess he's a little tied up in rehab right now to be knocking on anyone's door. But Marshall Mathers III, I'm here, waiting and willing. I know a few moves that will tire you out. Ambien? I say Mich-ien.

I just thought of something. The reason J didn't call is because I didn't put out on the first date. My younger sister Amanda, gave me that gem of a piece of advice. The first f-ing time I listen to someone, and this is what I get. I should be dispensing the advice to her and Kim; not the other way around. When I get to Heaven that's one of the first questions I'm going to ask. (Not did he not call because I didn't put out, but why do men not call.) In J's defense, he didn't SAY he'd call and then NOT call. He just didn't say anything. Me being the loser I am, called him and it went to voicemail. He called back and then said hang on a second and I got disconnected. Accident? On purpose you say? I don't doubt it because I called back and got vm again. God, now I look desperate. That's the story of my life. I had a good time, and it certainly seemed like he did too, but then: No call. I say, karma is a bitch. I'm getting pay back for all the times I said I would call and didn't. I knew I should have been nicer in my 20's and 30's. Too late now.

Mike screwed me up for life. I am not needy, but I feel like that's the way I'm being. Life goes on.

Alright, I'm missing Seinfeld, and that is the 11th Commandment, Thou shall not miss Seinfeld. At least in my bible it is. I haven't done so well with some of the others, but this one, I can stick to.

Last comment: finally PBS' pledge drive is over and I can watch "New Jewish Cuisine" on Sunday afternoons. This is a shout out to Kim, only she will get that. I love you like a sister Kim. Wait, you are my sister. Crap.

Mich

I Can't Believe The Weekend is Over Already...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005:

I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. Since M left, I'm having such a hard time sleeping, that if I fall asleep before 2 a.m. it's a miracle. I miss sharing my bed with someone. Even though he was the 'woman' and always wanted to cuddle, and I wanted not to be touched, I miss his body in my bed. Just his body, not his lying, cheating ways.

C woke up today and of course her first question was, "Where's daddy?" I just told her that daddy had gone away (she's two and doesn't understand: "Your dad is a fucking prick who left you and me to be with a 22-year old girl and wants nothing to do with you.") She said, "daddy's icky!" I couldn't have put it any better myself.

B starts school in just 2.5 weeks. I don't want her to go back already. I like her around the house. Even though it really won't be that different since she's at daycare during the day when I work, so the time we're together will be the same. I just like her not in school.

So, my little sis Kim is an intern on MJ. (Jabberjaw, if you listen to the show.) We figure she's got a lot of material to bring to the table with me as her sister. No one would believe that I've gone thru the ish I have, unless they really know me. Most people would think we were making it up. Shoot, soap operas don't have as much drama as my life.

The one good thing that will come of this is that maybe I can finally go to FSU and get a degree. I applied and was accepted, I just need to pay off a loan so that I can go. Anyone who is reading this and is a millionaire, please GIVE me $5000 so that I can go to college. That would be the best revenge where M is concerned. Giving me up and then I go to FSU, the school he wanted to go to but without a HS diploma or GED, he isn't going there.

I promise myself that I will not become bitter. I just imagined myself married forever, not for 3.5 years. I feel like a failure. I want a 50 year marriage like my grandparents had. I will never get that. I don't want to end up old and alone. Now that would break my heart.

Mich