I Can't Believe The Weekend is Over Already...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005:

I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. Since M left, I'm having such a hard time sleeping, that if I fall asleep before 2 a.m. it's a miracle. I miss sharing my bed with someone. Even though he was the 'woman' and always wanted to cuddle, and I wanted not to be touched, I miss his body in my bed. Just his body, not his lying, cheating ways.

C woke up today and of course her first question was, "Where's daddy?" I just told her that daddy had gone away (she's two and doesn't understand: "Your dad is a fucking prick who left you and me to be with a 22-year old girl and wants nothing to do with you.") She said, "daddy's icky!" I couldn't have put it any better myself.

B starts school in just 2.5 weeks. I don't want her to go back already. I like her around the house. Even though it really won't be that different since she's at daycare during the day when I work, so the time we're together will be the same. I just like her not in school.

So, my little sis Kim is an intern on MJ. (Jabberjaw, if you listen to the show.) We figure she's got a lot of material to bring to the table with me as her sister. No one would believe that I've gone thru the ish I have, unless they really know me. Most people would think we were making it up. Shoot, soap operas don't have as much drama as my life.

The one good thing that will come of this is that maybe I can finally go to FSU and get a degree. I applied and was accepted, I just need to pay off a loan so that I can go. Anyone who is reading this and is a millionaire, please GIVE me $5000 so that I can go to college. That would be the best revenge where M is concerned. Giving me up and then I go to FSU, the school he wanted to go to but without a HS diploma or GED, he isn't going there.

I promise myself that I will not become bitter. I just imagined myself married forever, not for 3.5 years. I feel like a failure. I want a 50 year marriage like my grandparents had. I will never get that. I don't want to end up old and alone. Now that would break my heart.

Mich